
The ongoing epic of my dear friend, Bao Wao...
(Names have been changed to conceal identity)
In the not-so-distant past....
It was supposed to be a lazy day down the Kern River with good friends, nice sun, cold drinks. My good friend, Bao Wao, prepared for his journey down the 'mighty' Kern by filling his cooler with 9 'cold ones', putting on his new forest-green Oakley sunglasses, inflating his "River Rat" inner-tube, strapping on his sandals & life-vest, and prepared mentally for a relaxing day. The bus took us up the river to the dropping-off point approximately 10 minutes from camp. From there, the plan was to coast down the river to our campus site, a 30-minute journey of bliss and gratification.
Daddy Foster, Pattyballer and I hopped into the river first with our inner-tubes, followed by other excited patrons. Bao Wao took alittle bit longer to get into the 'Rio Grande' for reasons that I'm still unclear about but I would hypothesize it had something to do with his inability to stay afloat. Anyhow, Bao Wao was soon out-of-sight from me, Daddy Foster, and Pattyballer. I opened up my cooler and started sharing brew with those around me, popping open a few cans myself. The river was swifter than last year, with a few tricky rapids, but nothing that would increase one's heart rate one bit.
The 30 minutes passed quickly and as we approached our camp sight, we started paddling towards the edge of the river in preparation to disembark. Daddy Foster jumped out first, Pattyballer and I soon followed, but there was no signs of Bao Wao. We climbed out of the water with all our possessions, dragged them up a small incline, and checked up the river for our dear friend. Not seeing anything, I just figured he must have gotten up further up the river so I started following Daddy Foster towards our camp site. All of a sudden, I heard Pattyballer yell and a crowd of people (fathers, mothers, frightened children) pointing at a certain individual, still floating in the middle of the river, towards the point of no return. It was Bao Wao, unsure where he was, trying desperately trying to figure out Pattyballer's instructions. He realized then that the lazy river of his mind was actually a furious monster waiting to gooble up another life.
"Paddle towards the side! Use your arms! Hurry!" screamed Pattyballer. I dropped my equipment, ran down the side of the river, and witnessed in amazement as Bao Wao flailed his arm in an useless attempt to move towards the side of the river. A couple of humanitarians, also watching this whole fiasco, grabbed a rope and followed me and Pattyballer down the side of the river. Our vision of the river was soon obstructed by trees and nasty bushes. "Bao Wao! Bao Wao! Where are you???" No response. "Bao Wao! Where the f*** are you?" we screamed with increasing nerviousness. Still no response. "Bao Wao!!!" Finally... we hear his voice from behind some brush. The amigos took their rope and stormed through the bushes, cutting themselves as they scrambled to find Bao Wao. Pattyballer and I waited in anticipation. Soon enough, Bao Wao emerged from the brush, holding on to the rope... wide-eyed and silent. Pattyballer and I commenced into a worried and tense laughter. We stared at Bao Wao, still holding on to that rope, scraped up on his face, arms, chest, legs, and feet. His hand was numb as a result of a grabbing to some sort of possibly poisonous plant, desperately clutching for his life. He was without his inner-tube, his sunglasses, his sandals, and his cooler and NINE 'COLD ONES'. I asked, "Where's the beer?" He did not respond. I asked, "Where's the inner-tube?" He did not respond again. "Where's your....???" He had lost all his material possessions in his battle against the 'mighty' Kern, but escaped with his life and most importantly, a new-found wisdom about his opponent.